Sunday, November 11, 2012

Rather arbitrary things I want in my life

A Pembroke Welsh Corgi named Biscuit.

A personal library, complete with squishy arm chairs, a window seat, nice lamps, and heavy curtains.

Secret doors and cupboards, everywhere, full of charming things.

An art/crafting studio (less arbitrary and more necessary, but, hey).

A big big bed (California King).

A big cedar chest, full of quilts.

A rack for my scarves.

An old, creaky house to live in, with a big, sturdy swing outside, under a tree that has good leaf changing colors. I'm not choosy about the tree.


All of these things are reasonably gettable. My current life style isn't conducive to them, but one day, I am hopeful to have them.

But they are arbitrary. They are not necessary, except the corgi and the art studio. Maybe the library and the bed (being long is rough).

I don't know, they feel pretty necessary or not difficult to do, so I look at them and think, "Is it so silly to want them?" I guess even my dreams and desires stay within a realm of "can do" rather than lofting up my wishes into "no, don't be silly." Like flying through space to see a nebula. I'd like to do that too. It isn't on my list though. I'm not that silly.

But, currently, my life is confined to a 10' by 10' room, and two shelves in a garage. I have a desk in the same, cold garage where I can make art and paint, but it is a cold place. I also have a 3' by 6' area in the garage that currently is the home of all of my storage boxes, yet to be stored. But that's my life, there. I haven't the space to spread out in, to make my own.

So one day, I imagine I will have that corgi and that art studio and that bed and a library and a person to share it all with. I didn't put a person to share it all with on that list, you notice. That person is not arbitrary.

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Money and food

I eat breakfast, usually something like a bagel with preserves and a hot chocolate. I eat lunch, which varies so much, it isn't consistent. Today it was a grilled cheese and a pickle. I often don't have dinner, but today I had waffles and earlier this week, pasta.

I'd like to eat better. I like spinach, so spinach salads sound lovely for lunches, with a roll and a slice of ham and swiss. Juice or water. Breakfast seems like something I've got down. Dinner needs improvement, but I struggle since it is a lot of work and I share my kitchen and am very tired when I come home.

Also, food costs money.

Often, after I paid all my bills, I am left with only a little bit. Usually around $200. This month, I owed a friend $100 for a purchase they made for me, so after my bills and everything were gone, I was left with about $100, and two trips to the store later, I'm at $22.

$22 to last me until November 15th.

My credit card finally replenished a bit, so I have $300 in there, but I want to be careful because I still have to pay off whatever I spend there, so mustn't be careless.

So it isn't easy to eat healthy. I should like to plan meals for myself, and hopefully improve my eating habits and health.

I also need to spend my money on nothing but bills and food for the next month or two and see what is left to me. I expect I waste a lot of it on frivolous things.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

All or nothing

I realize I am an all or nothing kind of person. I knew this, though only mildly, all my life. I can't bring myself to wear clothes I don't like. I mean, really like. As a kid, mom would buy me a shirt, and I'd tell her I hated it, and she told me to wear it anyway. And I never would. I'd glaze over it in my closet, and years would pass, and finally Mom would toss it. And if I somehow ended up in clothes I did not want to wear, I was miserable the whole day.

That transcends into basically everything. If it isn't what I want, I don't want it at all. If I am in the mood for a specific food, nothing else will do, and I'd rather wait, hungry, until I get it, or my mood changes. As well for dating. I can't lower my standards, and I will not date for fun because it feels like a waste of everybody's time. I want what I want, usually the best.

Now that I am an adult with my own income and making all of my own decisions, I have found myself indulging in this lifestyle. I buy exactly the clothes I want, and as a result, am very pleased with my personal fashion. I buy just the food I want, which can often be on a whim so I end up with junk food far too often (trying to change that habit). I do not do things I do not want to do.

It can be a bad thing. I end up not going to parties, not working on personal projects because I'd rather lay in bed and read until 2 am.

But, in the end, I think it will be a good thing for me. I think I will marry well. I will be satisfied with my art. I will be happy.


I was raised to be a bit of a foodie. My dad loves to cook and would always whip up some fantastic dish, never settling for mediocre. Whatever he made, he made it with style and the best flavors. I have been spoiled. Even after I moved out, I would still go to their house and eat whatever dish he had made, taking home leftovers and whatnot.

And then they moved to Virginia.

Since then, I don't eat so well. I eat well enough. I am not dying of scurvy or malnutrition. But. I miss high quality food. I miss a perfectly cooked steak with rosemary potatoes and steamed asparagus. I miss steamed artichokes and hollandaise. I miss chocomacamania cookies. Mushroom leek soup. Prime rib. Pulled pork sandwiches. Chile verde burritos. Barbecue wings with homemade sauce.

My dad's special touch to food.

I don't find the same relaxation in cooking as dad does, but I love high quality food. And my life is devoid enough of it now that I may throw myself into cooking just to have it back.

Friday, October 21, 2011


Lately, my heart has been brimming with love. Not romantic love, but the kind of love you feel for your family and friends. And I seem to feel it for everyone. Everyone is a worthy creature, deserving of kindness and genuine smiles and affection. My chest feels open and light, like an atrium in a sparkling morning. Light, air, and a warm echo, beckoning to me. Everything resonates within me now, and feels wonderful. It's made me a much happier person. Overwhelmed by love and deep rooted happiness.

I felt like this back when I was in high school, I remember. I had sad feelings, but they didn't seem to matter and certainly weren't things you mentioned to others outside your family. Not sure what happened, but I think someone told me not to "suppress my emotions" and I was kind of made to speak out my negative emotions. In retrospect, a bad plan. I voiced them to my family, expressed them in my art--it was none of his business who I shared me emotions with.

But here I am again, feeling the freeness of spirit.

I think I want to attribute it to my new job. I got a job at a company I've wanted to work at pretty much forever. It's amazing. I feel so blessed and lucky to be there. Everyone is fun and pleasant and kind to me. How can I be unhappy there? I can't. It's exactly what I wanted and needed. Money problems, gone. Insurance woes, vanished. Company of understanding friends, achieved.

No wonder I see the world in hues of gold and pink now.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The precipice

Having only graduated from something once before in my life, I am not very experienced at it, and the last time I did was 6 years ago, so I have forgotten pretty much everything. Luckily, I don't have to do much but wear a silly gown and a square hat, walk across a stage, shake a hand, and look pretty.

It's the after.

It's always the after.

I know you're supposed to start working and be an adult. But THAT is something I have never done before. Nor have I done this no-school thing, either. Not going back at the end of a summer? WEIRD. Almost panic worthy.

Not much else to say other than I'm a bit worried about what I'll do with myself (I mean, all I want to do is draw all day, but that doesn't get me fed).

Monday, February 07, 2011


Some thing's I really like.

The band Stars

Actual stars

The web-comic Bad Machinery

Twice looped studded belts

Wind chimes

Light through glass or crystal

A fresh pillowcase

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

My art

I'm selling some here, for super low prices.

Go buy one! :D