And she takes pictures

I learned how to take pictures of my desktop with my computer! Woooo.


That would be my desktop. With my browser open to my dreamblog. Spiffy, eh? I designed that blog myself. v_v

In which I keep you all up to date

Lo siento on not updating. Life has been dragging, lagging, and gagging. Bleah.

Dragging because it's lost the sparkle it once held. I used to look forward to things each day. Now what do I look forward to? Going to a place where I must talk to complete strangers, most of whom brush me off with cold and unfeeling remarks. And I'm expected to smile. Which I do. I do my job well. But it's hard on my shy side. So yeah, I go to work and it's very scary. But I do it well and it pays well and my co-workers are always pleasant. :)

Lagging because I get nothing done I have intended to get done. Grarg. I meant to start my RSOM submission this summer, hoping to finish it before school. But work is so tiring and depressing that I haven't the energy nor heart to do any worth while pieces. Well, not true. I did start a painting, which I am amazingly proud of. But, as I said, I'm really quite tired and it's hard to have the strength to pour my whole self into. Which I must do for a piece to turn out right. I only get to work on it on the weekends, and only weekends I do not work. Which will not be this weekend.

Gagging because things have become interesting when involving my love life. A guy from church asked me out, we went out and I decided he's a dandy friend but I'm not interested in dating him. So, no more dates with buddy boy. There's another guy who I am pretty sure likes me, but I am under the strong impression he's waiting for me to make the move. Which I don't do. I am not a mover. Nope. I'm too shy to move. If a guy wants me, he's gotta get up and come. I don't hold grudges, or bite (unless I become frightened of you), and rarely say no to a guy. Unless you give me the heebie geebies. But only 2 guys give me those. So even though guys seem to have discovered I am, in fact, a girl and I do, in fact, have some attractive qualities, I can only think of two guys I would be willing to go out with more than once and neither of them are interested in me. BUT that does not mean I will turn down other guys. I'm not shallow like that.

Now the update has been stated. On to today!

I worked. Worked. Worked. And slept. There was some food involved, and phone calls. But mostly working and sleeping.

I got up at the beginning of traffic and left at thirty minutes to the end of traffic, got to work when traffic ended, read until 2.5 hours before lunch, and worked until traffic began again.

I managed to make my highest UPT (units per transaction) a 5, which was the highest when I left work, so I might get the 10 dollar discount tomorrow. Which is good because I'm buying a pair of shoes. The last pair of Trista, which so happen to be in my size. They're very pretty black strappy shoes that I can wear to church. Perfect, because all my other church shoes are winter shoes. Summer shoes! Yay! And they're so comfy and nice. Black leather. Hot sthtuff. Oh, and they're 50% off. *hee hee* Not so expensive now, eh Pacha? I hope I get the ten dollars off so they only cost me a very little amount.

I must must MUST sleep. I have to go to Haley's tomorrow, the bank, and then to work. Again. All day. I'm closing tomorrow. Mee hee....

Cymru

This evening I was looking around the Swansea University website, checking out the English and Welsh study program and I couldn't figure out the reuirements I need to transfer. So I just sent an email to the international advisor. I'm nervous! It's basically my first attempt to contact a University.

Tomorrow I'm off to haley's to find my earring. Or to try to find my earring. T_T I hope I do.

Fall Schedule

English literature: Mythology and Folklore
Tues/Thurs • 1:30-3:10

Phys. Ed: Tai Chi
Mon/wed • 9:30-10:20

Spanish: Spanish 001
Tues/thurs • 3:45-5:55

Nutrition: Contemporary Nutrition
Tues/thurs • 11:30-1:10

I win. That's 13.5 units. I will not let myself get less than a 4.0 this quarter.

Pacific Heights

I've been feeling rather breathless teh past few days. I need to take deep breaths a lot and I can't sing too much, which makes driving a bit boring. I like to sing-a-long. My knees have also been acting up. Super lame.

But other than that jazzy stuff, life's nice. Work is good, though my breathlessness is taking it's toll on me. Last week was infinitly better than the past two days... I went to Laura's today and finally got her to watch Howl's Moving Castle, which she loved. Of course. Who wouldn't.

I have to register for classes tomorrow at 5 am. And at 9:45 I have my root canal. Of doom. Don't expect me to be miss sunshine and butterflies when I'm less than twelve hours away from having a tooth completely massacred in a burst of pain and DEATH!

I'm thinking of going to....

I got a lot off my chest at Laura's today. I told her all my worries about school and we made a startling good discovery about myself. And the more I think about it, the better I feel about my path. The path seems more clear, and I don't mind taking the extra time at De Anza to get the grades I need. There aren't any boys to distract me from my schooling so I should be able to spend most of my time doing school and not going to activities just to meet a boy. That's pointless for me right now. It may change should I meet a guy worth while. I'll know if I meet a guy like that. I sort of haven't right now anyway.

But yeah. A wonderful idea has been formed and it seems too good to be true.

Just a little more

I had a lot of short dreams last night. They were like a phrase someone would say to me as we sat next to each other, or my looking a piece of paper. Like in one dream, I was confused because a webpage wasn't loading. It should have been. We were already in July. So I looked at my calender and it said we were in June. And my mom said that too. We were still in June. I was so confused. Another one was that I came out of my house and found it wasn't in Los Gatos anymore. And then I realized I wasn't even in my own house! I felt so lost and confused. Again. Yes, all my dreams left me completely confused.

Dad deleted something off my computer that took up 28 GB. Now my computer is faster and there's more room. Hopefully, all the fits it's been throwing, telling me there's no more "disk space" will stop.

I need to eat something. And shower. I have work at 3. I'm still feeling horrible and depressed. I don't want to go to work. *sigh*

A dangerous resolve

Whew, that may not have solved any problems, but it made me feel amazingly better. After a complete and utter melt down (which I am still teetering around the edge of) I washed a box of rasberries, filled up my bathtub, put a bath fizzy in (which turned out to be Wild Rasberry scented, so the water turned a bright reddish pink; I felt like I was bathing in non-sticky juice), got my book, and lounged. It was nice. I even lit a candle.

But my neck and head still ache, my eyes are still red and sore, and I'm still completely racked with terror.

Whatever.

I'm contemplating a makeover. Not in my appearances. Just in my life.

Throwing away all the junk cluttering up my shelves and boxes. Stopping my visits to MySpace and LDSlinkup (maybe once a month or less). Only writing in my blogspots. Not going on IM anymore. Basically restricting my computer use to Word and photoshop/painter. I'm sure I'll still watch anime and read comic books. But, things are gonna change. Or they should.

There are no boys worth my time in my life right now. I realize that. He doesn't like me and that's fine. I don't want a guy who doesn't like me. I'm so turned off by that. He bothers me, now that I think about it. His mannerisms push my buttons.

I will save my money up for the thing I want, but if I can't afford it, I'll buy a new wardrobe. Toss out all my old crappy clothes and buy new stuff.

Finish all the stories I've started and put all finish works in a file. That'll be a good way to kill time.

Things are gonna change. I'll make them.

After I finish crying. Who knows what this bout will end.

meh

I'm sick. Horribly so. Gut wrenching pain. I've grown accustomed to shuddering with pain. -_-

Anyway, so, remember when I hurt my knee back in whenever it was? Yes, at the pool thing in June or May. Or something? Yes. Well, the pain faded away and only popped up if I locked my knee to tightly or tried to turn on my locked knee. Something trippy. But since I started working again, which is two days, I can't lock my knee anymore, and my other knee it in a constant dull, vaguely annoying pain. While I'm sitting. If I'm standing, it hurts like crazy.

More work tomorrow. I'm tired.... I also have to clean my bathroom. I'm still not sure how I'm cleaning shower/tub.

Whatever.

My head, it dies....

Last night, before I went to bed, I decided (at random) to knit a row on the blanket I'm knitting. But by the endof the row, I had this head ache forming at the base of my neck. I figured it was from sitting up straight with my head bent down for so long. So I rolled my neck around, took the hair tie out of my hair, and lay down. The head ache was still there when I fell asleep. During all my dreams, I had the head ache. I actually remember thinking about the pain as I dreamed. When I woke up, it was still there and worse than before. So I've taken some advil. Here's hoping! -_-*


Work in an hour and a half. I can't wait to be standing for 5 and a half hours today. Oh joy. My head is going to fall off!!!

If you get teleported, tell me immediately.

Work from 9:30 - 3 tomorrow. That's a long time. And the boys are coming over tomorrow after work. Or, at least, Dan is. So far. Maybe Brendan and Spencer. We'll see. I hope so. I miss them all very much. Dan's bringing me more Bleach! He's super nice. ^_^

Work today was good, as usual. Most of it was just the representative showing us the new lines coming in. I have to catch up to date on our pieces and learn the names of the sets and such. So much to do.

My computer is being bad too. It's new and great, but everytime I go to wake it up from sleep, it gets stuck in the twirlly rainbox ring and I have to restart it. And it's under the impression that it has no disk space left. Poor dillusional fool.... But Daddy comes home tomorrow and promises to help me! And so does Jared, if worse comes to worst. Jared is good. He works for apple and knows all about how it works. Dad knows a lot too. He's super smart.

Bed. Work early tomorrow. I have to leave at 8:30. Blearg!

I amaze everybody.

We watched My Blue Heaven tonight as a family. Good movie. I also watched Grease again. I've noticed recently that I have become different in my ways of movie watching. When I was a lot younger, it was like "Allison come watch this movie" be it at home or at the theatre. And I would come bounding into the room. Now I want to know what it is and what it's about and then I'll decide. And even then....

So, tomorrow is my first day of work in a while. I go in at 2, so lucky me, it's not way early. I'm not opening. Or closing, in fact. Sweet!

I haven't got a black shirt to wear. Snnnnnnnap. Well, there's only one shirt I could wear, really. It's a cardigan combo and unbearably hot. But it'll do. But I don't know if I can wear it everyday of the week as I work. Maybe my sister will have some I can use until I go shirt shopping. I should like some short sleeved things. I also hope I'll be able to get a black skirt. ^_^

Anywho. I'm starved! Hamburger?

Wee hee hee!

Done done done done done. Done done. Done! I am all done! I took my math final yesterday and turned in my writing portfolio and I am done! Such a good feeling.

Of course, now mom and I have to clean the house because we're going out of town this afternoon. Karren is going to be here while we're gone with some guests, so house must be clean clean clean.

I'm glad to have all this nerve racking stuff over with because now I'll stop picking at my fingers and they can heal.

Whoosh.

2 at the library

I can't sleep. My legs are killing me. It's that "growing pains" pain. I can't be growing. I'm too old to be growing still. Well, whatever the reason, I can't sleep. Bah. I'm going to take something small because this is small pain.

Tomorrow I have a study meeting at 2 with Nicole. Oh boy! Math stuff forever!

Daily update of schedule

Currently Working on: English

Saturday 24th
[ ] Study math
[ ] English done?

Sunday 25th
[ ] Study math
[ ] English?

Monday 26th
[ ] Turn in english portfolio
[ ] Study math

Tuesday 27th
[ ] Math final
[ ] Die, metaphorically

Wednesday 28th
[ ] Fly to Utah

The day is blue

2 months until my birthday. How rockin' is that! I'll be 19! Life will be a little bit better. But then, it always is (sometimes I just don't choose to see it).

Stuart braided my hair all prettily today. Everyone complimented me on it. I also drew two totally awesome pictures which were also complimented at every turn. I'm so proud I could burst! Mm!!

I'm very happy right now. I am just so thrilled to be alive. I want to go do stuff. I passed 3 or 5 motorcycles on my way home and I was SO JEALOUS. I want to go riding. But I'm going to the beach with my ever-lovable ward to play in the sand and the water and to be happy. I will be happy. Very happy. I'm happy already!

I was mildly displeased today on my way to school as I listened to a song ("I wasn't prepared" by Eisley) and I realized something that had a lot to do with the song. I was singing along and then it was like it was about me. I was very grumpy. But I shrugged at the idea of liking someone for once (instead of starting to worry like I do), and decided I can't change this (no matter how hard I've tried before) and being upset won't change it. So I'll just enjoy things and try not to let this effect me.

I think I'll scan some drawings in.

Pain is like a fly

So, my dad says I have a low pain threshold. And he may be right, I may indeed have a low one. But I don't tell them about half the pain I go through.

There's always something hurting, but I deal with it on my own because it usually goes away after a day or so. Whenever it doesn't I bring it to my parents. I follow their advice and then it usually goes away. But while I hurt, I can go through periods of time where I ignore the pain because I find positions or ways of walking that keep the pain away or at a minimum. Unless it's in my mouth, but I try to ignore that.

But when it doesn't go away I get frustrated. Think of it as a fly that you keep smashing and you think it's gone, but it just shows up again when you least expect it. And it's biggar than it was the day before. And louder. And more in your face. And it just gets harder to ignore. And you get so annoyed with it, you want to drop everything to kill the darn thing! But you can't! It just won't die! Stupid fly of pain! Just die already and let me get on with my life! It keeps me from sleeping very long, it wakes me up. I work really hard to focus on things and the pain just gets more intense until I can barely keep from screaming from the pain. Like has happened 3 or 4 times this weekend.

Anyway.... I have class soon.

A feeling

I need to be held.

Kill me...

Someone kill me. My teeth on my right bottom half of my mouth are KILLING ME!!! And not softly! Harshly! Throbbing pain, making me angry! I can't eat anything!! Believe me, I'm trying!

What the-- ARG!

So.... the wonderful things of day.

I wasn't late to weight lifting. Oh boy! But I forgot Mel's gift... *aww* I lifted some insane amounts today though!

Annnnd I worked my rear off during the 4 hours between PE and math to make sure my math was done right. Which it wasn't. Of course. Lucky me. So I had to redo it. But I had to meet Joe to discuss our english projects. Which I did. Then I scurried to math. I wanted so badly to finish my practice final on time, that I wrote as I walked. It was really hard to not make a mess of it. I might still have made it rather sloppy though. *grump* But I managed to finish it! And I have full belief it is done and done right! As opposed to the first part of the assignment which I foolishly did half of incorrectly because I'm stupid like that. I took notes, understood the math, felt pleased, took a quiz (got half of the last problem wrong), scribbled down my scores to total up later and was out the door.

And when I got home? I was bombarded with questions about my plans. I felt highly picked on. *snap* I did snap. I got very angry and very much emotional and very... gr! So I went to enrichment late. But there was a lot of really good desserty things to cheer me up in a way only sugar can. I felt a lot better. Especially after being able to talk to said boy of secrecy. But I left early due to unusual amounts of work my classes glob on me. Globs of work. Bleah.

I came home and took a bath due to mental and physical fatigue. Somehow, baths seem to heal me *mystical light from the stars* It's like magic....

BUT. Just now, I totaled up my math scores. Dismay. I am sorely put out. I have an 84%. That's bad enough, but there had to be some salt thrown on my wound! I could have an 89% if I hadn't missed that one class back in april due to a mental/emotional breakdown that led me to fits of tears and anger. And even better? I get to go into class on tuesday and beg Mr. Hansen to let me have those 25 points back. Somehow. Someway. I can't bear to get another B in another math class, especially when I worked so flippin' hard in his! I ahevn't worked this hard since high school! It's not fair and I won't let it happen! I WON'T! I will print out that day from this here blog and show it to him. Maybe maybe maybe (but doubtfully) he'll believe me and give it back. I would be so happy if he would... It's so not fair to lose those points.

A sudden thought. Methinks as I spied the scoresheet, I a glimmer of hope. Where we get 25 extra points for not missing a class, I saw a negative 5. Could it be that because I missed one class, I only lose 5 points? If that is so... I will cry. Cry and hug Mr. Hansen. What out Mr. Hansen! I pouncing on that score sheet on tuesday! *please*

And then the dream was gone.... I just studied the syllabus for math only to find that the "-5" I saw on the scoresheet was not as I originally thought. It was, in fact, a -5 from my grand total of points. Not from the 25 extra credit. So now, instead of having an 84% I have an 83%. And a fresh bout of depression, laced heavily with bitter disappointment.

I'm going to bed... to find solace.