Monday, July 27, 2009

10 things women supposedly do

Specifically, things women supposedly do that I have never done:

1. Forced myself into a pair of jeans. Mostly because if I can't fit in easily, I will be uncomfortable all day if I have to battle them to fit. If they aren't working, I toss them aside and pick a different pair. AND I HAVE NEVER LAID ON THE BED TO GET A PAIR ON.

2. Sat around with other women talking about my diet. It's weird. I don't know anyone who does that. It seems like the kind of thing you do with your nutritionist. Or personal trainer.

3. Lied about my exercise habits to impress a guy (or anyone). I mean, really? Really? There are so many ways this can, and will, come back to murder you, why bother?

4. Tormented myself with extreme workout regimes after consuming chocolate/sugar/fat. I'm a believer in exercise and keeping in shape (true, I'm not the best at it), but I'm not going to guilt myself into a physically painful 3 hours of intense lifting, running, and aerobics because I had some cake. I'll go ride my bike, or go on an extra walk. Eat less calories for the rest of the day. But not torture.

5. Cry more over a hair stylist/personal trainer quitting than a break up. Actually, just crying over one of them leaving in general. But to be fair, my hair stylist is amazingly fabulous at what she does. But I wouldn't sob and die if she moved to New York. I'd be bummed. I'd ask her to refer me. But not cry.

6. Been thrilled when an illness makes me lose weight. Sure, it's nice to know you lost some weight, but to relish your disease because it's trimming you down is weird. People die because they are too sick to keep weight on. So many other things to be thrilled over. And better ways to lose weight.

7. Dread summer because of swimsuit season. I have a body, it's my body, and it will be seen in a swimsuit. I'll do my best to help it look good, but I will not be as fabulous as a supermodel in one. I accept that. So I will still swim and enjoy myself. Not mope and suffer because people will see the healthy amount of body fat my body carries. Oh noes!

8. Blame someone for "letting" me do something I didn't want to do. If I told someone, "don't let me do this thing" and then I force them to let me do it, I am not going to turn around and chew them out for letting me. Heck, I won't even ask them to prevent it. Well, okay, I have done it and I will probably do it again, but it's not a frequent thing.

9. Obsess over self help books and tapes and live by them religiously. I know the appeal of those books. It's very tempting to believe a single book will reveal the missing knowledge to you that will perfect your mind-over-matter problem, or help you get why guys are so confusing. But they won't. Oh, one or two might have a gold nugget for you that you never thought of, but all in all, nothing. Still, it's fun to peruse them and giggle at the silliness.

10. Bought an article of clothing that didn't fit and swore to slim down into it. That's just silly. It doesn't fit. Odds of you slimming down into it are slimmer than you'll ever be. Just buy a size up and feel good when you tailor it in to fit you.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Where disappointment and regret... Collide

Not really. It's just a great line.

I met a very cool lady this week. She's a singer in LA, but visiting the bay area for a few weeks before she starts he album. Very chill and good people. Russian, so there was a nifty accent.

We discussed music and our passion for it, and my art. She said some things that really made me think. I can't really repeat what she said, for the exact words have mushed away and the deeper meaning is all that remains. Like the film of the ocean on my skin.

I am very afraid of really starting the process of drawing my special project. I keep starting and restarting. I get a few pages in and set the drawings aside in displeasure. And it's getting me nowhere. I feel disappointed in myself whenever I do it, and I dislike that feeling.

Really, though, I just need to do it. Just pour myself into it and draw it. I can go back and redraw things later. But if I don't move, I'll never get there.

So I picked up an old version. One I still like to look at. It's detailed and lovely. And I'm going from where I left off. I'm restarting the last page I left half done, but that's fine. And so far, it looks good. When I have 10+ pages done, I'll show them here. Maybe.

I'm shy.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Caffeine and Headaches

I am prone to migraines. I have been this way for almost two years. Lame. In January, I went back to my neurologist for some medicated help. I asked for something non-addictive that wouldn't hurt my sensitive stomach. He prescribed me something and I went on my way.

Now, 7 months and three refills later, I find myself with awful headaches that require me to take my little pill a few times a day. The conclusion drawn is... I am addicted to caffeine. My Dad looked the medication up on the interweb and found it's SUPER FULL of caffeine. And I've been downing it like crazy. So I'm crazy addicted to caffeine now.

I hate being dependent on a thing. A drug. I HATE IT. I spent my life avoiding sodas and heavily caffeinated things so that I would not have this addiction. And I got it anyway because no one told me I was taking it. I am severely upset by this.

Which leads me to my current predicament. Day four of caffeine withdrawl. Yes. I cut myself off cold turkey. And it's awful and painful. Terrible headaches. But it'll be worth it once the addiction is gone. I am determined in this. And as such, I don't have too awful of a headache right now. Just a little one. Here's hoping it doesn't grow throughout the day!