Rather arbitrary things I want in my life

A Pembroke Welsh Corgi named Biscuit.

A personal library, complete with squishy arm chairs, a window seat, nice lamps, and heavy curtains.

Secret doors and cupboards, everywhere, full of charming things.

An art/crafting studio (less arbitrary and more necessary, but, hey).

A big big bed (California King).

A big cedar chest, full of quilts.

A rack for my scarves.

An old, creaky house to live in, with a big, sturdy swing outside, under a tree that has good leaf changing colors. I'm not choosy about the tree.

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All of these things are reasonably gettable. My current life style isn't conducive to them, but one day, I am hopeful to have them.

But they are arbitrary. They are not necessary, except the corgi and the art studio. Maybe the library and the bed (being long is rough).

I don't know, they feel pretty necessary or not difficult to do, so I look at them and think, "Is it so silly to want them?" I guess even my dreams and desires stay within a realm of "can do" rather than lofting up my wishes into "no, don't be silly." Like flying through space to see a nebula. I'd like to do that too. It isn't on my list though. I'm not that silly.

But, currently, my life is confined to a 10' by 10' room, and two shelves in a garage. I have a desk in the same, cold garage where I can make art and paint, but it is a cold place. I also have a 3' by 6' area in the garage that currently is the home of all of my storage boxes, yet to be stored. But that's my life, there. I haven't the space to spread out in, to make my own.

So one day, I imagine I will have that corgi and that art studio and that bed and a library and a person to share it all with. I didn't put a person to share it all with on that list, you notice. That person is not arbitrary.

Money and food

I eat breakfast, usually something like a bagel with preserves and a hot chocolate. I eat lunch, which varies so much, it isn't consistent. Today it was a grilled cheese and a pickle. I often don't have dinner, but today I had waffles and earlier this week, pasta.

I'd like to eat better. I like spinach, so spinach salads sound lovely for lunches, with a roll and a slice of ham and swiss. Juice or water. Breakfast seems like something I've got down. Dinner needs improvement, but I struggle since it is a lot of work and I share my kitchen and am very tired when I come home.

Also, food costs money.

Often, after I paid all my bills, I am left with only a little bit. Usually around $200. This month, I owed a friend $100 for a purchase they made for me, so after my bills and everything were gone, I was left with about $100, and two trips to the store later, I'm at $22.

$22 to last me until November 15th.

My credit card finally replenished a bit, so I have $300 in there, but I want to be careful because I still have to pay off whatever I spend there, so mustn't be careless.

So it isn't easy to eat healthy. I should like to plan meals for myself, and hopefully improve my eating habits and health.

I also need to spend my money on nothing but bills and food for the next month or two and see what is left to me. I expect I waste a lot of it on frivolous things.

All or nothing

I realize I am an all or nothing kind of person. I knew this, though only mildly, all my life. I can't bring myself to wear clothes I don't like. I mean, really like. As a kid, mom would buy me a shirt, and I'd tell her I hated it, and she told me to wear it anyway. And I never would. I'd glaze over it in my closet, and years would pass, and finally Mom would toss it. And if I somehow ended up in clothes I did not want to wear, I was miserable the whole day.

That transcends into basically everything. If it isn't what I want, I don't want it at all. If I am in the mood for a specific food, nothing else will do, and I'd rather wait, hungry, until I get it, or my mood changes. As well for dating. I can't lower my standards, and I will not date for fun because it feels like a waste of everybody's time. I want what I want, usually the best.

Now that I am an adult with my own income and making all of my own decisions, I have found myself indulging in this lifestyle. I buy exactly the clothes I want, and as a result, am very pleased with my personal fashion. I buy just the food I want, which can often be on a whim so I end up with junk food far too often (trying to change that habit). I do not do things I do not want to do.

It can be a bad thing. I end up not going to parties, not working on personal projects because I'd rather lay in bed and read until 2 am.

But, in the end, I think it will be a good thing for me. I think I will marry well. I will be satisfied with my art. I will be happy.

Foodie-ism

I was raised to be a bit of a foodie. My dad loves to cook and would always whip up some fantastic dish, never settling for mediocre. Whatever he made, he made it with style and the best flavors. I have been spoiled. Even after I moved out, I would still go to their house and eat whatever dish he had made, taking home leftovers and whatnot.

And then they moved to Virginia.

Since then, I don't eat so well. I eat well enough. I am not dying of scurvy or malnutrition. But. I miss high quality food. I miss a perfectly cooked steak with rosemary potatoes and steamed asparagus. I miss steamed artichokes and hollandaise. I miss chocomacamania cookies. Mushroom leek soup. Prime rib. Pulled pork sandwiches. Chile verde burritos. Barbecue wings with homemade sauce.

My dad's special touch to food.

I don't find the same relaxation in cooking as dad does, but I love high quality food. And my life is devoid enough of it now that I may throw myself into cooking just to have it back.