Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I feel strong. I feel like I can do anything right now. I'm just feeling strength.

Like, I have a project due thursday. In art. And I hate the way my picture looks right now. I want to start over. So, I will. But I will consult my teacher tomorrow.

I also have a math test on thursday.

I have a lot to do in general.

But I feel kind of capable right now. Yeah. Who knows how long that will last. Heh heh!

It's like being dizzy. Only, I haven't been spinning.

Ah, well, my plans for the day were squarshed. But, that's okay. We now have a stu!

For the past few days, I've noticed a headache. It comes on about 3pm, and sticks around until I fall asleep for the night. And progressively gets worse. It's pretty annoying, really. So, I'll go over the days.

Thursday after I got home from school for the first time, I noticed the head ache. I assumed it was the stress of math. It was a painful annoyance all evening.

And last night it was so bad it was really hard to fall asleep. And really hard not to start clawing at my forehead. I think that was some primal attempt to carve the pain out. Yeah, so instead of clawing at my head, I clawed at the air in front of me and cried. That was super fun!

And this evening, I noticed my head hurt really badly, I couldn't focus on anything. So I decided to lay down in my room. But everytime I turned my head (or even my gaze) everything started spinning. That was fun too. I went upstairs and tried to rest. Then I gave up, went downstairs, made food, and took some advil. The head ache tapered off so I can walk straight and not see the house wobbling. But I think it's starting to fade a little. Which sucks. A lot.

Anyway, today was good other than that! Not much happened, but I did get one of the three phone calls in. I wish I'd gotten the other two in. Tomorrow evening, I suppose, will do.

Good things come to those who eat

Okee then. The weekend thus far has been one of laziness and sleeping-innery. It's been nice. I watched a movie last night. I read all day yesterday too. And now, today, I must get things done. Stu is coming home! I have to call people, do homework, and still have some down time. I die without down time.

I did manage to get some good sketches done. I'm proud of them. They make me want to draw more. Not with colored pencils. I am tired of colored pencils!

I've been trying to find a small plant for my room for months. I want a little cactus to put ony my desk. A little one. That would make me very happy.

I take a shower now. Then call people. Then do my homework. Stu will probably come home during or after my homework. I also want to clean my room again. And I mean that as in, throw tons of "stuff" away. I feel cluttered. There's no empty space anywhere. I'm hating it.

There's ice cream surrounding my fruit slivers!

Today had the makings of being a repeat of tuesdays terriblosity (yes, the need for a new word was great). I worked hard on my math and got it done barely in time. And then I go to class and sit down only to realize that I left the homework I'd spent 4 hours on at home. Yeah, the stuff from tuesday. I left it at home. On my art table. I'd wasted time and effort. I was thoroughly angry. But I talked to my teacher and he agreed to let me bring it to his next class afterwards. Which I did. Drove home, picked it up, and drove back. Wee..

And Mom bought rainbow sherbet! Huzzah! We love ice cream! It's crrrrrrrrrrazy good! Wooooo, flavorful! Fruitilicious! And chilly. Br.

I have an urge to draw. So... I'm going to go... draw. Obviously. In my room. Where my supplies are. Yee!

Through the treeeeeeees

Blarg. We started a new project in art today. It's dandy, I suppose. It's a bit vague, but doable. I started something but I'm not sure how I feel about it... I think I'll do something else. But I'm not sure if I'm allowed to make a person the object. I thought I asked him about it, but I may be wrong. Grump. I don't know.

Well, I started feeling sick again once I got to institute. So I layed down for a majority of the time. I felt tired and grumpy and hungry. And sick. Cami brought Ryan back from something and they played pool and they gave me nice hugs. Guys give good hugs. When I feel upset, I like to do one of two things. Eat chocolate, or get a hug from a guy. Sometimes, I get both. That's always a good day. So they hugged me and we all played cut-throat and Cami won by a shocking amount because I was sick and not so good at cut-throat and Ryan was being silly and distracted by something or another.

I took some tylenol and went to english, which was fine. It's a bit of a boring class, but not unpleasant. Except it's hot. And comfortable. Those equal sleep. Especially on a sick day. Such as today.

Came home and felt very weak and quivery. I had some french bread and TV and layered jello. I know there will be Pepsi here soon. And probably oreos too. Until then, during then, and after then I'll do my math. And feel fidgety.

Dusty wusty

I feel better. A lot better. I spent 4 hours or so cleaning my room. Throwing things away, dusting, picking up messies, putting stuff away, organizing and making it looks more presentable so Veronica won't think me a slob. Or at leats know I'm one. Hee.

But yeah, after I ate my cake, Laura called and it was nice to be able to tell her about my boy issues and to get her advice on it. That made me feel better and prepared for whatever happens next. *braces self* I'm ready. Bring it. Gr.

I did take myself a break and watched the singing parts of American Idol with my mom and gordo. That was a let down of sorts. Could have been better. David Foster songs are too amazing. And they're not up to par (we discussed that). But then I went back to cleaning.

Ah, my iPod is losing battery life. I mean that in the sense that a full charge doesn't last the full 8 hours it used to. It lasts maybe 6 now. Or 5. Not 8 though. I am sad. *sniff* Now when the battery bar has 1 third left, that means the battery is a few seconds from doom instead of an hour from doom. My life is a sad, sad tale. I'm going to eat porridge in a corner and weep into my gigantic pillow (it's actually quite small and flat and made of that magical space stuff).

Tomorrow I have art. Starting a new project. I think I'll do mine about shells. I have a lot of shells. I like shells. They're so pretty... and interesting! They're so beachy. And we all know how great that is!

By the way, I added a picture of my drawing to that post I said I would add it to. If you care, you'll see it. It's there. Down there. It's pretty close by, actually. Don't miss it.

I have to clean my desk. It's a bit cluttered. Then, I can go to sleep... and get up at 6:30. *hngh*

Wooer... I'm feeling it.

I need something really good to happen.

Like a day without worries.

The next monday's FHE already planned to be perfect and fun.

Waffles for breakfast.

Hamburgers for lunch.

Pasta for dinner.

A good movie.

Blankets.

And nice people to spend the day with.

Cause I feel over-whelmed with things to do, thoughts, and worries.

Go crawl in a pit and die.

Today was horrible. It started out fine. I took a shower, went to school on time, worked out nicely. After that, it was went down hill.

I went to institute, expecting to have some company throughout the day as I did my math. But everyone left. I was all alone. For 4 hours. And, it took me an hour and half to figure out what I was doing wrong on my math. So I was racing to finish my math in time and trying to maintain my comprehension. I struggled a freakishly long time on the last 5 problems or so, but I did finish the book work and was packing up to go when I found my worksheets. I had forgotten to do them and class started in 5 minutes and it was a 10 minute walk. So I tried to finish my worksheets, which was also difficult to do! Needless to say, I was flustered. To the extreme.

Byt the time I had finished all my math, it was over an hour after my math class had started. I was furious. Because of my stupidity, I had lost the chance to earn 25 extra credit points. And I didn't have any notes from today.

So I went home. And felt horrible and useless and like I couldn't do anything right. And I was lonely and felt unloved and stupid. So my mom took me out bought me a little chocolate cake, which I'm enjoying. *sniff* I feel so horrible, though.

I'm not going to institute. Instead, I'm cleaning my room. And doing homework. Mostly cleaning. And being upset. Tomorrow had better be abnormally and shockingly good or I may very well explode at the next bad thing that happens to me.

I'm massacring my cake... Chunks of chocolate and icing everywhere... this makes me happier...

Nothin' but net!

I'm soooo tired. We had the perfect amount of people to play volleyball. We played until 9 o'clock then everyone left, but a few of us. We played Speed with the basketball afterwards. I became mostly tired from that. Whoosh, tiringly fun game!

Tomorrow I get up at 7:30 and shower and go to school and work out and hang out at institute and do my math. In that order. No distractions!

Very tired.

Apparrently I have a good vocabulary (picture added)

So, last night I set my alarm for 5:30, planning on getting up to shower and eat and such. I was going to give myself two hours. My alarm did not go off at all. I woke up magically at 7:30. The time I was supposed to be leaving! I was running all over the house. Gordon was still in the shower too, so I had to bang on the door to beg him to hurry. In the end, i was only 5 minutes late to class.

BUT, on the way to school! I was driving down the street and I see this brown lump in the road. I'm thinking, dead squirrel. Ew. As I approach I noticed it wasn't a squirrel. It looked more like a bunny. Yes a bunny. That bunny. In the road. And, even better, it was alive! And twitching its nose! And eating the grass! It was so cute! I was so happy!

So after art class, I went to the institute and sat there all day. That boring for the most part. There was some drama where I offended Cameron by accidentally hitting him the pool stick because we were trying to wrestle it from each other. We were both laughing so I thought he didn't mind. Then he didn't want to play anymore. I felt like a horrible person. So I said I was sorry and how I wanted him to play and someone asked him something that prompted him to say "No, she's just being herself." which really really hurt, so I left to have some alone time. He's like a brother to me and when a brpther says a scathing remark like that and means it... you hurt.

After Cameron left, I was going to go to english class. But my day had gone from bad, to semi-bad (remember the bunny?) to horrendous. And I felt sick too. I think I'm getting a cold. So I couldn't bring myself to go to class. I couldn't sit in that hot room and write for an hour while I felt so wretched. So I ended up not going. And then I felt so bad about not going to went home. Where I found an email from my teacher saying she was sick and class was canceled. What a waste of guilt! Ha ha!

But, I'm home. I'm glad. I've eaten. I'm tired... Very tired.

Hubbubery

AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!! My hand is reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!

I've been coloring. With pencils! Of color. Colored pencils. Mostly a red one. I finished the petals. They're very red. Now I'm working on the stem. Which is green, as opposed to mauve. No really, mauve.. It's green. I'm not green yet.

Hiro came over to visit teach me just as I finished the petals. I was surprised to see him, I suppose I made an appointment last week and forgot in the hubbub called my life. My life is full of hubbubery.

But, I'll have a lot of coloring to do. And when my pretty picture is done, I'll explode in a burst of red and white colored pencil shavings. Boosh.

Dad made spaghetti (which I ate) and now I'm full (because I ate it) and will go color more (because I ate myself full).

Movies, art and housework

I love movies. I went to watch X-men today, the first one, and it wasn't there... I think I've gone through that before. Going to find X-men and seeing it not there. I thought we had it. I am surprised we don't. I remember watching it with the family. Still, it's not there. Mom just reorganized the movies. It's not there. Only X2 is there. I am sad.

But, I also want to watch Whale Rider. That movie is just plain amazing. I've been in the mood to watch it for a while. Maybe tonight, if I feel confident in my abilities.

I watched the Goonies today, which I had also been planning on watching, and I loved it. I haven't seen Goonies in years. I'd forgotten the whole movie. It was pretty fun.

So, I have an art project due monday. And Veronica is coming to stay in my room on Wednesday, so that needs to be clean. My room, not her. Well, she should be too, but if she's not I won't complain. But I'm sure she will be. No doubt.

But yeah, I just spent the last hour working on my picture. Coloring red flower petals. It's exciting. We sure do love using 4 colors over and over and over again, for hours upon end. It enriches the soul, it does. *groan* I'm not tired of the colors, or of working, I'm just tired of working on those colors for the time being. But I can't move onto another part of the picture or it'll do bad things and ruin my life. Forever. Ruined. *sob*

As soon as I finish the project, I'll clean my room to spotlessness so Veronica-the-doubtlessly-clean can sleep in my bunk bed. I'm pretty excited to meet her. The more I think about it, the more excited I am. I'm going to make my room very clean for her so she'll be impressed by Jake's family and like us forever.

I should go work on something. Like homework. Or something. Ah, but a good song came up on my iPod and I am now distracted.

My hair's pretty. Hee hee

I'm sorry I was too distracted by the fire

All right. I was way too tired to write last night. I mean, way too tired. It were bad.

So, after my excursion to the high school, Laura came over. And because Laura was here and Karren was here and I was here and Mom was here, we divided up the new Georgette Heyer books amoungst us. I'm fairly pleased with what I got, mostly because I didn't have many to begin with. Yee!

Then Kay called to tell me we were having a bonfire at the beach. Well, needless to say, I was off to Kay's. Kay, Tim and I left her house around 7:45. As we drove, I whipped out my cell phone and called everyone on my list. And Kay had me call everyone I couldn't think of. We ended up getting the Jared's to commit to coming and they said they'd bring friends.

Well, we got to the beach at 8:30 (we had to feed Tim on the way, he was starving) and saw all the fire pits were in use. So our newly fueled Tim ran all over the beach in search of a fire pit. We found none, so we dug a hole and made one there.

It was a good night to be at the beach. There almost no wind and it was fairly warm. I accidentally kicked this ball that was sitting on the beach when we arrived into the water, so I had to chase it down the beach trying to retrieve it. And did. And drown. Or got my pants all wet, at least.

The Jared's showed up with Amy and Tyson at 9 and we sat around the fire talking and kicking the ball around. Frisby had brought his guitar so everyone who could play had a go on that, though mine was fairly pathetic. But I did play a little bit.

After the fire was dying down, everyone admitted to being hungry to the extreme and we went to Denny's. I owe Jared 6 bucks because he bought me a waffle. He won't let me pay him back, either. But I will. I'm sneaky like that. But we got to Denny's at 11, got our food at 12, and left at 12:30. It was a long time and I was super hungry. On the way back to the car, Kay and Tim and I were so tired and so full, we started babbling to each other and carrying on conversations in babble. It was really funny.

We were on the road for home at 12:30. And we were almost dead silent from being so tired the whole ride home. There was music and driving. That's it. I got home a little after 1, took a shower to de-smoke myself, and was in bed by 3. And by the time I was crawling into bed, I was swaying from exhaustion. I haven't felt that tired in a long long time. But, I fell asleep faster than I can remember too.

Now, today. I have a hair cut in half an hour! Hurray!

Expounding on a visit

I went down to the high school today to pay a visit to my adopted little brother, Eric, the art classes, and Mr. Downs. It was a nice trip. I walked into art and everybody did a double take and got really excited. I've missed people getting excited to see me. Even when I went to school there, people would get really excited when I came in. It was a nice thing...

So I wandered around looking at stuff, talking to the new teacher there (who used to substsitute for us when Mr. Downs was off doing stuff). Then I went down to the office to see Mr. Downs himself. He was way busy, as usual, doing the things people in his position do. Whatever that is.

I wandered upstairs to walk the halls. I went past Mr. Bollhorsts room and he saw me as I went past and he grinned and waved. He was a good english teacher; it's such a shame people labeled him so poorly.

I looked for Emily, but it was hard to find her so I was going to call her. But I did not have her number, so I was off to find Chris. And, wouldn't you know it, in the effort of Chris finding, I saw Emily. It was a fortunate thing.

But now I'm home. Mom and I are off to buy me more colored pencils so I can finish my project. Huzzah!

Amakena

My mom did me a kindness and wrote about "Amakena" my blog title. My mom writes the stories about the family. First words, funny stories, etc. I'm in there a few times.

Today, though, was a nice day. Interesting, but nice. I changed between classes (yes, that 4.5 hour gap between them) and came out of the bathroom with my shoes in one hand and a shirt in the other, a shirt I had intended to layer over top of my fitted red sparkly one. I was fully intending to put my shoes on and the pink shirt over top my red one. But Ganelle cried out against that idea. Cami seconded it. And in a moment I had the whole room telling me not to cover the red shirt because it looked "hot" on me. I was going to cover it up because I figured it was too short, but I was pleasantly surprised to find it not too short. Huzzah for long enough shirts! So I left it the way it was.

We played Apples to Apples during lunch forum because it was Bobby's birthday. I gave him a birthday kiss on the cheek and Derk and Kris decided to be funny (it doesn't always work for them) and to demand they get birthday kisses too. But as rule, I never give out birthday kisses unless it's their birthday and I told them so. So they insisted it was their birthdays. So, it ended up me telling Derk I knew his birthday was in September (specifics weren't known to me at the time, it turned to be the 6th) and guessing what day Kris's was. I guessed wrong but 6 months. I guessed June 16th and the guys (this is where the attempted hilarity came in) decided to pretend I was right just long enough to raise my hopes. And then dash them. Little punks. It was kind of funny, looking back on it. But no birthday kisses unless it's your birthday! And Bobby only got one cause he's so sweet and would never ask for one unlike some of my friends.

I learned how to play Cut Throat and 9 ball today too. I won 9 ball and lost Cut Throat, but they were fun! I love playing pool. I used to be shockingly bad at it, but now I get excellent shots in often enough.

I got my math done barely in time to turn it in. And took good notes. Math's good this quarter.

We sure do love the weekend!

A sudden thought

Today, Cami and I had a little argument. I was still feeling stung by what he and some of my other guy friends said yesterday. I know they didn't really think about what they said (or maybe they did and I'm just making excuses for them) but it hurt. So, yeah.

When I walked into the institute today, Jessica was telling Cami he couldn't go a whole day without insulting anyone. He said he could. They pade a deal to do it tomorrow. We shall see. I have 4 and a half hours between classes in which Cami would mess us. Hm.

After Jessica left, Cami asked me and Ganelle if he really does say hurtful things. We looked at each other and pursed our lips. He laughed in that nervous sort of way, hoping we were kidding. I wish we were, but we had to admit he could say some mighty stinging things at times. He asked when, probably hoping we'd fail to discover a time, and I pointed out yesterday.

At some point at institute yesterday, I was sitting on the couch with Jon, Cami and Derk (that I fondly refered to as Don Jon, Cameron, and Derk the Jerk when I'm mad at them and they aren't around) and somehow we all go onto the topic of girls and guys. They talked about the way reference the level of hotness a girl has. Butter faces (nice body, but her face...), hotties with a body, and various other things. So I decided to give in and to share how girls rank the degree of a guy's attractiveness.

A nice guy, is a guy who has a good personality and not too looky-looky. They may not be ugly but they aren't "fine." A hot guy, is a guy with nothing but looks. And a cute guy, is a guy with an awesome personality and good looks. A good combo. I convinced them that it's not a bad thing to be called a "cute guy" by a girl.

After more talking, I mentioned quietly how I wouldn't mind knowing what people said about me when I wasn't around. Then the hurtings began. Each of the three guys, together as one, inhaled sharply and said "Noooo, no you don't." Now how am I supposed to take that? That is some serious wounding for a girl. It'd be bad enough if one said it and the others chastized him or agreed in a joking way, but they did it together. That couldn't be planned. It was real. Which means, they don't say nice things about me when I'm not around.

So, I had to refresh Cami's memory on that. Well, he apologized for it. And yesterday afternoon, Jon and I played pool for an hour and he was very sweet and said nice things to me, so I forgave him too. I'm sure it won't be long before Derk the jerk gets back on my happy list. One can't stay mad at someone so delicious (inside joke, don't read into that, family).

And hey--it's late, I have weight lifting tomorrow morning, math homework to be fresh awake for, and 4 and a half hours in which nothing will happen between the two classes. But that doesn't mean I don't need a good nights sleep.

Career choices

That's me. Eternally unique. And for many reasons too. I had quite an evolution of career choices in my life. Pretty odd.

When I was a little tyke, I used to think I was phenomenally good at pretending to sleep. I took great pride in it. I bragged about it to my family. I also, wouldn't you know it, to brag about my artistic talent. I was 7 and had every confidence in both abilities. I had won a lot of awards for my art (though my biggest award hadn't been achieved yet) and seemed to be able to trick my parents and siblings into carrying me to bed after a movie. So, why shouldn't I have believed I was a good "drawer and fake-sleeper"? In fact, why wouldn't I make a career out of them! It made lots of sense! I would be famous for it! World famous drawer and fake-sleeper. Oh yeah, that would totally work.

I dropped the fake-sleeper part later though, once I realized my family mocked me for it. Gordon's the better fake-sleeper now, though I still try my hand at it occasionally. But I couldn't let them mock me for my art. No way. I'd won awards! I must be good! So, I kept drawing. I realize now they didn't mock my skill, just my choice of words.

How lucky for me I didn't take it personally and stop drawing altogether. I mean, I might be in college to be a Veterinarian. I wanted to be one for most of my childhood, really. I have loved animals my whole life and it was a dream to save their lives. Then one day I realized that I couldn't save them all and that, in fact, a lot of them would die. And I wouldn't be able to bear watching them die or even putting them to sleep. I'd break down, and it'd be bad for me. So I scrapped that idea.

I went back to the idea of art. I had no idea what I could do with art. I was 13 and clueless. I could make paintings for the rest of my life but I wasn't good at painting, at the time. That wouldn't do. I could illustrate children's books but I always ended up drawing too much on the page. No good. I could work for Pixar or Dreamworks and draw cells for cartoons but I hated copying others works. Not quite what I was looking for, but getting closer. Well, I had always loved reading comic books. They were an awesome story and lovely artwork. They were interesting and fun. By my freshmen year, I had branches away from poetry and music writing and started writing stories. I spent most of high school thinking I'd do character design for video game companies or Pixar. That would have been fine for me. But during senior year a friend read one of my stories and saw my artwork and commented on how they'd be good together. After that, it was magic.

Nothing else would do. No other career will suit. I couldn't do it and be proud of myself or happy. But how does one go about learning to draw comic books? I'd tried many times before and there was always a few things wrong. I didn't know how to do it at all. It had all been guess work before. College was a dream come true. There were schools that had cartooning degrees, page composition classes, and things that hadn't occured to me. And I could get all of that in New York. At one school. Unlike community colleges and non-art schools, all those classes I need end up totaling up into a degree. A pretty piece of paper that says I am officially professional at something. It sounds nice and it would certainly help me get published. But I can't get to the school. I can't live on my own so drastically yet, because I'm too young. Completely understandable and when I think about, I wouldn't want to yet. I want a bit more experience in the world. Maybe when I'm 20 or 21, I'll go there.

But what to do with myself until then... Well, I'll work on my writing and art skills. I'll hone them. And that's what I'm doing. Art and writing classes at De Anza to make me be better. Everything makes a difference.